Allow Me to Introduce... Me

[Joshua Bradshaw]

I've been wanting to build a "fusion reactor" in the basement for a few years now, and have finally explained it well enough to the wife that she has stopped categorically refusing permission before I get much past the word "reactor".

Probably because I avoided that word and substituted "fusor".

Not that I've been dishonest or anything... after I got her listening, grudgingly, I did make it clear exactly what I was talking about. She's not what you'd call enthusiastic, but I have clearance to proceed. To that end I've enlisted the help of a friend and fellow geek who has more experience at very high voltages (but non-lethal) than I do, while I have more experience with things that don't sport 5-figure voltage numbers but are more than capable of killing you into next week. Albeit that was more than a few years ago in the Navy.

We're currently building a house, set to move in about a month, and once that's done there's a long list of things that must be done prior to starting construction of a fusor - this was the compromise for authorization from my wife. But then my buddy's wife vetoed him completely, so I've got the "cool" one. In the meantime we'll be studying here. (Might even start getting equipment, since we agreed to not start building until the major finishing projects were done on the house.) One of those projects is the basement hobby room, where we'll be building the fusor anyway, so it's basically a prerequisite to begin with.

As for intentions... I could possibly be satisfied with a demo fusor, but I would definitely not be happy stopping there. I was a Nuke in the Navy, and I've pretty much wanted my own nuclear reactor ever since, even if it's totally and completely impractical. "Yeah, I like to do a little nuclear fusion in the basement now and then." I mean honestly, how can you not want to be able to slip that into casual conversation about your hobbies?

So at the moment I'm thinking that we'll probably be looking to build it as a true fusor from the beginning. Anything not required for a demo fusor can be put off, but I don't want to spend money twice if I don't have to by buying a lessor vacuum chamber, power supply, or whatever and then having to get another better one later when I decide and prove I've got the chops to take it to the next level. It'd cost more if we stop at the demo fusor, but I see that as kind of planning to fail. I'd rather assume I'll succeed, and based on past experience I know I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to.


But back to the topic of getting wifely permission to do unusual things, it's interesting to note that before I decided a fusor was the large, dangerous project I really wanted to do, I was kicking around the idea of a trebuchet. A decently big one (bowling balls a couple hundred yards). That kind of started the whole "What would you say if I wanted to build a..." and getting shot down joke around our house. Perhaps more interestingly, the trebuchet is still banned.

So basement nuclear reactor, okay. Back yard medieval seige weapon, not okay. Figure that one out. (Probably has something to do with making the neighbors nervous.)

[Richard Hull]

Welcome Joshua. Sounds like you are on a short leash, but that leash, at its limit, will include a fusor. It also sounds like you and your friend are going about it in the correct manner. Study and read first. Take it all in and then plan while gathering pieces-parts.

Richard Hull

[Joshua Bradshaw]

I actually joke about the leash more than anything else.

Personally, I'd rather have the wife's blessing to do a thing, than to do the thing and have her wish I hadn't. Because at the end of the day, having her happy (and happy with me) is more important than fusion or whatever other project I might want to undertake. She's "super not excited" about the fusor, but mainly because she's worried about the risks involved.

[Paul_Schatzkin]

I'm not sure if I can post an image here, if not I might try in the "Image Du Jour" forum though it might be sorta "off topic" there... but... this is something that anybody who ever aspires to be a "spouse" or "partner" – regardless of gender – should bear in mind. The whole idea of a husband (or wife) on a leash of any length is, well... rather abhorrent.

[Richard Hull]

I am very much a lone wolf and bull headed and have always done what I choose or that which feels good first and what I should do or am expected to do way back at the caboose on this train of life. My life partner, (Kit - "th' wife") is much like me. We never seek the other's permission much less their blessing in doing anything that we, as individuals, desire to do or think.

For us, and only us, this has worked fine for 41 years. Many of our other married couple friends, mostly the wives, upon hearing of some of my exploits often exclaim to Kit..."you let him do this!!". Her retort is...."We do not allow each other to do anything...We do as we please as individuals!....We only discuss joint efforts undertaken together" (She's a good ole gal). I observe many of my peers "living th' life", directed, more or less, by a spouse into a rather drone like existence of doing what is "right" and "expected" with desires secondary to the "unit existence directives".

Kids, naturally, throw a secondary monkey wrench into this mix which many do, indeed, welcome. For me such limitations are abhorent to my core. I accepted and chose a life partner. Children, however, are a wild card pulled out of the deck; something the old gal and I decided was a bad deal and snare to our feet.

I am not prescribing a way of life, just noting what works for me. My motto is never, ever let another person or entity get the upper hand over any direction you wish to take in your life. You and only you are the captain of your fate, the master of your soul.

Richard Hull

[Jason C Wells]

Welcome Joshua. I'm an ex-nuke too, mm1/ss back in those nostalgic days when such things mattered.

Regards,
Jason C. Wells

[Joshua Bradshaw]

Not to get into a big philosophical discussion here, but the idea of having (or not having) a "leash" connecting you to someone you're married to (or even just rather serious about) seems pretty simple.

If you care enough about someone that their happiness is important to you, they have some degree of control over you. How much is up to you and is a function of just how important their happiness is to you versus how important it is to you to not allow anyone else's needs or desires interfere with your own. Most of the time making the other person happy falls directly in line with making yourself happy, since if you actually care about them simply seeing them happy makes you happy. Left to my own devices I would quite happily fill a house up with a ludicrous number of gadgets, snakes, and antique weapons. But since this would make my wife unhappy, it would not make me as happy to do that as it would for me to do it in a far more... measured way. And no amount of toys, fusion reactors, or other "stuff" would make me happier than zero stuff and a happy wife.

So simply as a function of maximizing my own happiness, I find that point on the curve where the "geek stuff" quotient of the house increases and the "wife happiness" stops increasing and aim for just a bit less than that. If that's a "leash" then sure, I have one. However, I see it as a purely logical approach to making myself as happy as I can possibly be while recognizing that no amount of anything or everything equals "one wife" in happiness.

We also don't do a "her money/his money" thing financially. One paycheck goes to one bank account which pays all the bills, the other paychecks go to a different bank account that pays for everything else. So if I spend money on this project, it's essentially half mine, half hers. Anything over a certain amount we run by the other before we spend it just so there aren't any surprises or overdrafts. And of course even a demo fusor isn't exactly what you'd call a "safe" gadget. It can be operated safely, but it can be exceptionally dangerous as well. If I wanted to build my own fireworks in the basement, I would consider it appropriate to make sure that anyone paying half the mortgage got to have their say as to whether or not they want to sleep in a house with explosive potential.

So just like I have a right to live in a house containing less than its total interior volume in cats, she has a right to a certain amount of input on what I fill it up with. Especially if "dangerous radiation" however well-contained it might be, is involved. She worries. She's one of those girls who can practically slice her own finger off and remain calm all through first-aid, but if I have one little hatchet accident she's completely freaked out. That comes back to that whole "caring about another person" thing and when that person is someone more important to you than you are to yourself, it's only natural that their injuries would be scarier to you than your own.

Just to be clear here, I'm not suggesting that there's anything wrong with the way anyone else's marriage or relationships work. Provided that they do work, of course. We clearly don't have a typical marriage in any case - we don't really ever fight and we don't understand why anyone else would. People say a good marriage is work, and I guess that's sort of true, but it's hardly any work at all for us.

Anyway, to sum up... anyone or anything you care about controls you. It's just true. Because you love a thing you fear the loss of it. That fear creates a kind of control that doesn't exist if you don't love a thing. "The things you own end up owning you." The key is to recognize those links and make rational decisions based on that knowledge and neither because of or in spite of those connections. I don't need my wife to be happy. I need her to be this happy. I am happy enough alone, but I prefer being happier. Therefore it is in my own best interest and entirely logical for me to make decisions which make her happier with me than she would be without me.

So on the one hand I'm entirely free to do whatever I want. I can build a trebuchet if I want to - I don't need my wife's permission. But why would I do it if my happiness equation is (wife + trebuchet) < (wife) ? It's like wanting to have a tiger. I'd love to have a tiger, in theory. But the reality of actually having a tiger wouldn't be as awesome as the fantasy of having a tiger (for me at least). Or an insanely expensive car. If you can only just barely cover the payments and insurance with just enough left over for ramen and gas, does that make you happier than you'd be with plenty of discretionary spending money and a more ordinary car? Maybe - you have to work the math out for yourself. But there are a lot of people out there owned by very expensive cars they can't really afford and I suspect they're just not as happy as they'd be with a few hundred dollars a month in their pocket and a Camry in the garage.

tl;dr - If you care enough about someone that it's important to you that they're happy, making them happy makes you happy. Therefore, not doing what you want to do in order to make someone happy is actually doing what you want to do.

[Richard Hull]

Hmmm.... What works for some is an anathema to others. To each his own .... If it works and survives over many years.

Richard Hull